My Life: Education and Even More Important Parts of College.

One of the decisions I made for this blog has always been to avoid the really dark, whiny, emo stuff. That killed another pseudo-journal I made, and frankly it's not productive. This is supposed to be a celebration of my work, a reflection of my goals, and an examination my life, not just another place to worry about my relationship and employment woes. That being said, I can't ignore the aspects of my past that led up to some of the unhappy moments of my current life, either. Those things are just as much a part of me as the happy elements, anyway. So this will be a darker blog, but it won't be complaints, either. This will be a learning experience.

This blog is about my experience at college, at its base. The earlier post already suggested that I had some pleasant college moments, but those aren't exactly monopolizing in this period, or even dominant. My first mistake was a matter of timing, I think, or perhaps a matter of naiveté. No, it was definitely a matter of naiveté, but it had more than one element.

You see, my college of choice was Marquette University, a decently prestigious Jesuit university located in Milwaukee. It's famous for a number of its excellent departments, including law and dentistry. It's computer science department was also...present, but that's not the main problem. The first problem, actually, was the "Jesuit" part.

Another thing about this blog is that I want to avoid getting too far into my religious and political beliefs. And that won't change here. I will say a bit about my religious past, though. I was raised Catholic, and as a result I was pretty devout, at least in the spirit of the church if not all the dogma. This was one of the reasons I went to a Jesuit university. The problem came after I started college. It wasn't a rapid change, but it started only days after I started, so it was somewhat inevitable. Finally, about the time my grandmother died shortly after school started, it was pretty consistent. I won't say what religion I eventually became, at least not yet, but I lost my current faith pretty quickly.

That was one thing that alienated me from the school. I suddenly lost my connection to one of the main motivations to even be at the school. It hurt my identity, and it meant missing out on a lot of the activities the school supported. I also meant I lost a connection I had with most of the other students.

This was a problem, but it wasn't the only reason I had problems with college; it was just one of the symptoms of the lack of foresightedness I had. I assumed too much about what college was and what it meant, and I assumed even more about my major. The problem is that, even as recently as 1997, there was no easy path into the video game industry. There certainly were no field of video game design; there was Digipen and that was about it. So I went into college not knowing what my path in life should be. I literally thought that nearly every job in the video game industry demanded a computer science major. So, that's what I did.

It could have been worse, really. Two dumbs almost made a right in this case. As a more liberal arts university, Marquette demanded that I have a well-rounded curriculum of classes, so I had English, history, philosophy, theology, match, science, other languages, and psychology along with computer science classes. I have friends who went to schools that offered nothing but computer-related classes. I think it would have driven me insane.

Nonetheless, it wasn't really the path in life I would have taken had I know. If I knew what I really wanted, an English or other writing-themed major with a computer science minor and an emphasis on the classes and software an actual game designer uses would have been perfect. But, just like my choice of colleges, I didn't change after I selected it. I told myself I couldn't. Finances were tight at home, and finishing in four quick years made things much easier. Besides, I always thought there was Digipen afterwards.

But this flawed thinking was mistaken in almost every way. I thought that it would be easy finding friends and activities that matched my interest. Of course there would be people into role-playing games and even a club, I thought. It was college! It was expected! But no, most activities at school involved religion, community service, or general partying.

My biggest mistake, though, was buying into the theory that college was a new life, not just a new setting. I didn't like my normal public experience, so I hoped I could reinvent myself in college, as so many hoped. This is not as likely as one can hope. Popularity and the social abilities it entails are not something you will yourself into having. If it's not something instinctive and natural, it's something learned. And being in a new city doesn't make you suddenly better at conversational skills or confident. It doesn't tell you what to do if you pass a cute girl on the way to class, or how to follow through if you do manage to work up the nerve to talk to her. It doesn't make you less uncomfortable at a dance or a party. It's just another part of life, not a magic cure for life's problems to date.

Well, what I've learned from this experience is a bit late, barring reincarnation (not a hint at my beliefs, just a comment.) I might go back to school some day, sure, but I'm 28. I'm not going to be part of that generation, even if I wanted to be. But it could be a lesson to my readers, if I had any. Don't assume that the system we have in place is an automatic one. It's not a matter of high school-college-job-marriage-kids-etc. And never be afraid to realize you made a mistake in life and change it before it gets too late. If your major is not the right one, or your school, change it! Yes, my life would have been harder back then if I went to school for another few years. But my brother did it without dying, and where would I be now? Somewhere else? Would I be happier? In a relationship? Married, even? Only God knows, I guess. And that's not a hint, either.